Thursday, March 22, 2012

It's all over, folks!

Well, another day, another culling of the herd, and this one got the best response yet.  I had a shitload of emails come back, but many were way too late, or worse, some people simply couldn't follow the simple directions. Luckily, it was all over by the time the people that couldn't follow the directions had written in, with the first email coming back literally 70 seconds after I sent out the first email.

Who I am sending stuff to:

Jim McMahon - Lord of Waterdeep
Carmen Musarra - Legend of Drizzt
Hao Yong Kang - Drakon
Drew Scott - Hotel Samoa
Jamal Stripling - Say Anything
"Murdly" - 2 Packs of Feywild Fortune Cards
"Tacollector" - Bellweather
Tommy Rutledge - RA Salvatore Neverwinter
Rob Cannon - Brimstone Novel
Michael Kretz - 2 Packs of Tharizdun Fortune Cards

If you have NOT sent me your physical mail address, it will be difficult for me to send you your stuff. So, make sure you send me the address.

Now, for the fun part (for me)...the lies:

NOTE: I'm sober.
So I've been reading your blog for a damn long time.  I think I was tipped off via Drakes Flames, or Anyway, despite me visiting your site once a week - I didn't realize that I never actually signed up to follow!  So "Andrew" has now signed up.  My handle pic is of me dressed up as a Team Manager for Blood Bowl.  Fantasy Flight Games was so "impressed" they sent me a copy of their game:
I'm off to Origins this year.  And believe it or not, it's going to be my "bachelor party."  Three buddies of mine are joining in the reindeer games and we expect to kill Columbus via Heroscape, Blood Bowl, Poker, and Paintball.  If we cross paths, I'll buy you a drink."


"Signed myself up
Then linked to Facebook, because people I know would love to scroll past something like this.
Then sent real invites. If you want more effort than that start yelling like a constipated Nazi."


"I can't enter anyone to win because I can not tell a lie. Can't even
make up a bad enough lie to have this be a good entry. Nope, can't do


"I would love some free shit!  I goaded my friend Josh, whose email is XXXXX if that helps, to start following your blog.  Moreover, I'm going to claim credit for all subscribers you've gained since Feb. 5th.  Over on the geek somone posted a thread asking who our favorite reviewer was, and I vigorously promoted you because, to quote myself, you're "wicked funny and a great reviewer."  so clearly I can take credit for the massive increase in hits since then.

I enjoy your blog so much, in fact, that I am following it twice... or perhaps that's because I'm an idiot and can't figure out how to log back into my first user account.  My two user ids are XXX and XXX (I suffer from a small degree of name confusion)."

"I cannot recommend friends to join /subscribe, that would dilute my chances of winning, and I am a greedy bastard."


"I signed me up.
I'll go Drizzt over Waterdeep over Drakon over.... else.
Wish me luck. Wait no--wish my children luck. Bless their crippled hearts."

"Do you watch the new BBC Sherlock?
In an early episode, he says " "I'm not a psychopath, I'm ahigh-functioning sociopath; do your research."
So, if you are a sociopath, you are in good company, at least as far as fictional characters go."


"I couldn’t get anyone to sign up.  I am just incredibly busy.  I am working on 3 different side projects besides my day time job.  Hopefully I will have some time for some games when all this is over.  Some cool new game would be really welcome at that time."


I have sent out a link to your site to all my gaming friends, but they are probably too stuck up to sign up. That's why my main gaming partner is my wife, and she probably wouldn't "get" your humor (her loss).
Keep doin' What you are doin'. I loved your SW: ED review. Good to see you posting more."


"I like your rants, but I lost several friends trying to find folks to subscribe to your gamer vitriol.  No one could stand the heat.  My plants died, and my girl left me, all thanks to your reckless journalism.  Isn't that enough? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?"


"First lie has Mass Effect 3 spoilers. Seriously, don't read that shit if you are playing ME3.
I can't get people to sign up because (Mass Effect 3 SPOILER ALERT) I chose the ending that let the Reapers wipe the galaxy of all organic life.
Alternative NON-SPOILER Lie: I can't get people to sign up because I spend all my free time sleeving the various Dominion expansions."

"Dear Pete,
I'd love to send some subscribers your way, but I don't have any friends cool enough to appreciate your site.
Keep up the good work, and hope you're feeling well."

"Oh, please say it's not too late, Superfly! If the Mayans are gonna tear 2012 a new arsehole, then I wanna commune with the gaming gods before it all goes down. Only YOU can keep 2012 from being just another crap year.

By the way, I have a totally plausible reason I didn't get anybody signed up: Until recently I ran the biocarnology program for the National Zoo in D.C., where I oversaw the regular artificial insemination procedure for Chu Chu, the last female panda in the U.S. In September, after a particularly harsh limoncello bender the night before left my hands with more than an advisable amount of palsy, I accidentally gave ol' Chu Chu a little too much turkey baster, if you know what I mean. I've been in intensive care ever since, only able to type with my tongue and a couple of devices on loan from Stephen Hawking. Games mean everything to my poor existence right now, Pete. Help a brother out."


"I could not get anyone on the ISS to sign up because they refused to
believe someone with an @insightbb address was legit. You need to get
on teh aolz if you want to be taken seriously dude.
Did you note that I am A FRIGGIN ASTRONAUT?!? IN SPACE!?! So give me
shit. And you are paying postage sucka.  I hear the rates are down to
around $8000/lb nowadays. Crafty Russians are real ruble-pinchers."


"So, I was trying to get people to subscribe to your blog, but ran into a little issue - I was spontaneously attacked and captured by Giant Mutant Guerrilla Hamsters.  They're kind of like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but they eat their own young.  With that kind of a culture, you have to expect a lot of unresolved angst and parental anger displacement issues.  Those that do somehow manage to survive infant-hood are put through a counter-culture indoctrination school that includes training in how to upset any established order, daily recitals of Chairman Mao's speeches (the crazy nonsense ones from when he was old), and speed-chanting "Down With the Man" while cleaning rifles.  All of this focuses their raging emotional turmoil against any authority figure in sight.  They would be one of the most vicious fighting forces in the world, were it not for the fact that they regularly turn against and eat anyone that tries to lead or direct them.

I had been walking down the street and talking to my friend Jeff, which they saw as anti-proletariat collaboration with "El Jeffe", precipitating the vicious assault.  I've been held at their camp in a barbed-wire surrounded berry patch for the last few weeks struggling for my life, hence my inability to find subscribers for you.  I only just now escaped by mentioning that their current Glorious Leader has Capitalist leanings, and that he looked like he would taste great with ketchup.
Please do accept my apologies, and send me some free shit."

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