The GenCon 2013 Special Edition Magazine HAS ARRIVED

Folks, I've been working long hours to get this magazine written up for your enjoyment, and this 32 page extravaganza of game reporting is nothing short of a labor of love. I think it's the best work I've done in a long time, and I'm really quite proud of it. I only hope you enjoy reading it as much as I loved writing it.

It took a lot of time out of my gaming to do several hundred interviews with players, GMs, event people, and booth folks, but you're worth it. I tried to get the big name stuff as well as some of the smaller stuff, and I also wanted to include a little bit of everything, from RPG to Euro to Ameritrash to Miniatures, and I really had to cut down from the 900+ photos I took in order to create a snapshot of what the con was about this year.

It's a 65MB download, but it's worth every byte. Hell, every bit. Here's the link:

Link: Superfly Circus 2013 SE Magazine Download

The Superfly Circus GenCon 2011 Special Edition Magazine

I'm back from GenCon, and because I love my readers so very much, I took the time to go the extra mile. Not only did I do my usual write-up, I did it in e-magazine format!

You seriously need to check out all the crazy shit I saw at GenCon this year, and there's all kinds of photos, news, and articles within to help you understand just how awesome the trip can be.

Highlights include:
Quarriors
Star Trek: Fleet Captain
Fantasy Flight
Wizards of the Coast
Alderac Entertainment Group
"The Afterparties" and barhopping in Indianapolis
The People Of GenCon
Dungeon Crawlers
The "You Stink And You're Foul" Campaign
....and much, much more.

Best part, it's completely free.

Download the 20 MB extravaganza here:


or here...if you can't see the thumbnail reader view above:
http://www.box.net/shared/hmjx4xxl8xi9ddxnbeyu

Origins Game Fair Wrapup - It's Aptly Named When You Consider Darwin's Book

Sometimes you wake up with a hangover from drinking too much, but this week, I'm going to be dealing with something far more sinister. It's like a "life hangover" from being drunk with fun; coming down from the last two weeks may prove to be worse than coming down from an ecstasy-and-crack-fuelled adventure at a nudist nymphomaniacs convention. Well, maybe, anyhow.

It all started with a joke from a buddy of mine who does it for a living: An arctic baby seal walks into a bar. The bartender asks "What'll it be?" The seal responds, "Anything but a Canadian Club!" Cue rimshot and commentary about the veal and tipping waitresses. It ended with red eyes, 4 hours of sleep, and a deep sense of dread for the timeframe between this very moment, as I'm writing this, and the first day of GenCon.

Well, I'd better back up and explain what the deal is. I am coming off of one of the best two-week stints ever, and it just ended with my participation in the Origins Game Fair in Columbus, OH. After reading the aforementioned joke on my buddy's Facebook page, I got in the car and headed to the airport at high speed as I had to head to Colorado for a class at the School of Mines in Golden. I was already running late, as usual. I realized five miles into my jaunt that I had forgotten my laptop, so I pulled a 30-MPH E-brake U-turn in the middle of the road, speeding back to the crib at 90 to get my forgotten lifeline to the universe. Kiss the wife again, kiss the babies, and out the door I went. Didn't even get a ticket, and I really should've.

There was a choice parking spot when I got there, but unsurprisingly, I was still pretty late to the ticket desk, and I got there just in time to have the kiosk tell me that I was too late to check in. I spoke to "Bob", a very nice Delta counter guy at the Cincinnati Airport. He asked if I had any heart problems, to which I responed with a quite quizzical "no", and he then replied that I should run my ass to the gate, like NOW.  So I did. I was there just in time to sweat on a large Latin gentleman who really should've had 2 seats and a grandmotherly older lady who had the aisle. 2 hours later I was wheels-down in Denver, having done all the backlogged work I had to get done on the plane. I get to the shuttle, and they headed for the rentals the moment I got there.

There was no line at the rental place, and no traffic on the way to Golden. I showed up in time for a wonderful catered lunch and small talk with collegues and friends. The following presentations in the class were exceptional, and even the hotel room afterward was nice. Things just couldn't go wrong for me. It was the beginning of a charmed life.

After three days in Denver, I was anxiously awaiting the drive home because a really good friend of mine who some of my readers may know, Rychean from Heroscapers (Mark), the God  Emperor of Heroscape Himself, was going to be sitting at my house as he had flown into Cincinnati at 3:30 and caught a cab to the house. I got home wihtout delay, and sure as snow melts in summer, there was my beautiful wife, my wonderful kids, and my dear friend to greet me.  Hugs and kisses ensued (family, not Mark) and the adventure began.

The reason he had flown in, I might note, is that the following day we were going to head to Origins in Columbus. For the uninitiated, it's one of the oldest board game industry trade fairs in the United States. We had planned to be there at 10AM to meet up with the Heroscapers from the area and play some tournaments, but I was there for darker purpose, to be sure. I had to cause some trouble to someone, and I had to score some free stuff. Oh, and I had to see some seriously freaky people.

I spent that night drinking with my amazing wife, Mark, and some good friends who happen to be neighbors, introducing him to playing Epic Duels on Halo terrain, which he is now completely and hopelessly addicted to, and talking about the adventure to come. It was a blast, and so much so that I forgot to pack a Heroscape army or two. So, suffice to say, I thought I would be hosed.

Now it wasn't all fun and games because I had some work to do in Columbus in the morning, so I headed to my appointments while Mark did his thing, and later we'd hook back up at the convention. It's the story of my life: work always gets in the way of fun, just as it did at Trashfest. We entered the center and I was told that a 5$ pass would get me into the dealer hall, but to actually play in any games, I'd need the 35$ deal. What a crock of shit. Anyhow, 35$ later, I was back on the road to go buy some metal waste.

After the sales calls and a conference call around noon, I was back in the center and prepped for epic warfare against the masses. I toured the halls and it was surprisingly well laid out, with really not a lot of people there for a Friday.  I spotted some folks I knew at the Dealer Hall, and hung for a while catching up with friends. Had I not promised my wife I'd not buy a single game while I was there since I just dropped 150$ on Hirst Arts molds, I would've bought Ascending Empires right then and there at the Z-Man booth, which was dead in the front of the hall where you couldn't miss it.

Cruising around the hall I saw all sorts of costumed folks, but not nearly as many as I'd been expecting. The theme of the fair this year was 'Steampunk' and therefore everyone seemed to be dressed as Menonites or something, sans Everett Koop chinstrap, wearing bowler hats and the apparently mandatory set of goggles sitting above the rim. The ladies were all wearing '50s era Victorian dresses and knee high boots and bustiers, for the most part. For something with "punk" in the name, there were a hell of a lot of conformists there because they all seemed to look exactly the same, as if there is only one way to be a steampunk guy/gal. But what the hell do I know, I'm just some writer guy.

Speaking of the gals, there were thankfully few morbidly obese women pouring out of too-small lingerie model outfits. I'm not going to belabor this as my dear friend Matt Loter would call me a "mysogynist cancer who should just die" were I to do so, but I will say that there were more fit, reasonably attractive folks on scene than I ever would've expected. I was pleasantly surprised, to say the least.

The one crime against humanity that was there was a menace to eyesight who was apparently trying to rope people to the Mechwarrior Simulator video game booths by wearing what can only be possibly described as Victorian slut gear. We're talking a bustier that hid only areola, holey fishnets (I can only assume they were runs from being 4 sizes too small) and the worst thing, an incredibly short mini skirt that she must've shaved to wear, and I don't mean her legs. Looking like that, the only ring I can envision a man putting on her finger would be at Burger King, and made of onion, battered, and deep fried. I'll never understand it.

What marketing school did these idiots go to? I'd bet she was really nice, and had she dressed like a person, and not a disgusting object, I'd totally have talked to those guys and got the scoop about their products. But now they get nothing but shame and infamy.

The sad fact is that I had to walk past this ode to absurdity every time I went from the dealer hall to the Miniatures room or Board room, and it produced the opposite result I think they had intended. I didn't look anywhere near that area of the building, nor would I unless there was a person on fire, screaming prayers or venom loud enough to catch my attention. I'm not much on sexualizing women for the purposes of selling something as I think people are, or at least should be, smarter than to buy something because some super model chick is standing around asking you to. All in all, it was a very mellow, conservative place to chill out, and I was quite thankful for that.

Moving on to the stuff you really want to know about, there were SO MANY GAMES in the halls. Not a whole lot of new stuff, but a lot of cool stuff. I tried hard to get out of the mainstream and showcase stuff that you've never seen or heard of before, because any douchebag reporter can tell you about what Z-Man or FFG have going on. I'm the guy who tells you about the supercool stuff you'd otherwise not know about, making you marginally as informed as I am, and able to totally brag to your friends about how in-the-know you are. Well, maybe, anyhow.

The first person I went to see was my buddy Steve Avery, the nicest guy on the planet, who was working the Tom Vasel Dice Tower booth. Apparently Tom is really pushing to get his Podcast subscriptions going, and he was handing out Dice Tower Podcast ribbons like they were going out of style. Tom shook my hand, then recoiled in horror when he saw my name badge. He noted "Ah, I know that name, I know it very well." It was at that point I realized he may not like me, and he never looked me in the eye after that. 

That being said, he had a pile of games donated from various people for his newly founded Jack Vasel Memorial Fund. It's a charity that helps gamers in times of need, and it's a hell of a great way to honor his son. Tom and I may not see eye to eye on things, but I'll tell you straight-up that you're not going to find someone who is as truly good-natured and caring as he appears to be.

 Check out his charity at http://jackvasel.org/ and donate to the cause. Don't talk about it, don't think about it. Just go there and donate what you can, even if it's a dollar, because there's a lot of people out there who need help these days, and if this is the only kind thing you ever do in your life, when you get to the day of judgement this might be the difference between being judged as a lifelong, unrepentant scoundrel or being someone who maybe actually did care about something, even just once.

Moving on, I went to go check out Small Box Games, where my buddy John Clowdus was selling games like it was the last day on earth. I personally saw him sell maybe 15 copies of Omen, which indicates to me that if you didn't buy it, you're a moron. His lovely wife was working the booth with him, and she proved yet again that behind every successful man is a strong woman telling him what to do. We had tons of laughs and loved every minute of our visit. The short version is that if you haven't met John and his wife, you're totally missing out. Truly the salt of the earth.

Right next door to their booth was the newly founded Chivalry Games booth.  They have a product called Chaostle, which is one of the prettiest games I've ever seen. The plastics and board are amazing, and for the price of $55 bucks they were selling it for, I was a fool to not pick one up. I was just afraid my wife would murder me if I did, so I didn't.  The short version here is that it's a bit of a dungeon crawl but with a racing aspect, sort of, and it's one of the more interesting things I saw during my trip. Coincidentally, this guy used to do pewter work but got out of it, and so I talked to him on a professional note about doing some business! Small world.

Here's another pic of Chaostle:

So, right across the aisle from this gorgeous thing was a booth with another start-up company, and while their game is far less gorgeous, it was interesting nonetheless.  Age of Dinosaurs is a game akin to Settlers, but instead of building a colony, you're essentially trying to become a dominant force in the mid-Jurassic period. The mechanics involve trying to keep the parents alive long enough for your eggs to hatch, and thus you have both egg resources and various types of plant to manage in order to be successful. The game sounded incredibly neat, and the guy who was pitching it, the designer, was truly fun to talk to due to his super energy level and enthusiasm about his game. It takes big, brass balls to do something like this, so at least give the guy some love and take a look when more info is available at http://www.theageofdinosaurs.com/.

Here's the game on the table:

Now moving onward, I headed to Plaid Hat games to chat with Colby about Dungeon Run and the new Summoner Wars Master Set. After talking for a few minutes, he exclaimed that he'd sold fully half of the games he brought with him on the FIRST DAY. Very excited that he's going to be around for a while in the boardgame biz.  We also chatted about Dungeon Run, where he was doing demos on a prototype board. I sat in and played for 20 minutes and it's exactly my kind of game. Keep your eyes open at http://www.plaidhatgames.com/ for this, because it's got the backstabbery of Cosmic Encounter or Diplomacy, but wrapped up in a co-op dungeon crawl. Great, and I mean GREAT, artwork, models, and everything. It's a fantastic product and I can't wait until Colby sends me one....hint...hint...

Here's the demo game we played of Dungeon Run:

Next stop for me was unplanned, but I simply had to take a look once I saw what Todd Boyce, the owner of Ninja Magic, had sitting before him. These were some of the most stunning little miniature space ships I've ever seen. Had I not promised to spend nothing on product, I would've bought them all for Battleship Galaxies customs. In fact, I asked for his card and I'm sending the info to my buddy at Hasbro so they don't have to reinvent the wheel, potentially, on sculptures. Outstanding stuff! These even have magnetic bases with knurls so they lock in a direction when you shift them in a facing. Check his stuff out at www.ninjamagic.com because it's brilliant. It may be the coolest spaceship stuff I've ever seen, and these photos simply do not do justice:

Now after chatting with him for 20 minutes or so, I saw the Battlestations booth next door and decided to chat up the guys over there and learn more about what they had. Turns out that it's a half RPG, half board game hybrid that sounds absolutely outstanding. The concept is that you take on missions, with a GM-style referee running the game and at least one other person playing through a scenario. There's tons of unique races, all with individual ship styles and racial attributes, and the game is played on both a star map for manoeuvering, but on tile-based spaceships. There's the usual shooting at ships in space as well as damage control, repelling boarders via battles inside the ships on the tiles. It's an amazing-sounding game system, and it's apparently been around a while, although nobody seems to cover it anymore. Check them out at http://www.battlestations.info/

I'd have loved to talk with them all day because they were so incredibly interesting, and so enthusiastic about the game, but I was running late for my first Heroscape event. I tripped over to the Miniatures hall, where they were playing all kinds of games. Wizards didn't have too much of a presence there, with few Star Wars Minis or D&D events going that were immediately apparent, but there were an assload of pirate-themed games, with ship sizes going from the pocket-model little guys all the way up to foot-long galleons sailing felt seas.

One of the most impressive things I saw, being a total Star Wars nut, was some game that a group of guys were playing on what can only be described as the single neatest full-scale Star Wars setup I've ever seen. I have no idea what game it was, and I have no idea how to play, but I was taken aback by the absolute coolness that this game exuded. Suffice to say, by the time I saw this and eyeballed the setup, Endor and its Ewok populace was completely fucked.

I was finally to the Heroscapers table, which had maybe 24 maps all set up. If you have never played Heroscape, first, I pity you, but it takes maybe 20 minutes to set up a map, even with keen instructions. Heroscapers are a selfless lot, by and large, and to go through all this trouble for what amounted to 10 people to play...that's some love right there. 

As noted earlier, I forgot my stuff, but as usual, Mark packed way more than he planned to play with as he is perhaps the single most indecisive human that has ever existed. Luckily, one of the organizers, David Lefton, was kind enough to bring an entire crate of stuff and I chose a mish-mash of figures to use. Some Heroscape champions were there as well, so I figured I'd better just hope for the best.

I played four games and, unlike the norm for me, I only lost once. No, I wasn't playing against the infirm or children.  It wasn't enough, though, and Mark ended up winning something, but since he has more Heroscape product on the shelf than Hasbro at this point, he gave me his prize, a Castle set. This is why Mark is the man.

After this, we headed back to the dealer hall for a minute, then got out of there. It occurred to us that we'd better get a hotel, so I called around. Apparently the area hotels hold rooms for business people that aren't offered to tourists, because the minute I told the Mariott folks I was there on business, the room I was told didn't exist by the receptionist magically became available when the reservations desk lady came on board, and it was twenty bones cheaper. We ended up smuggling the games that we brought up to the room, and proceeded to play X-Bugs and a whole assload of Epic Duels.

We asked Chelsea, the attendant at the desk, where we should eat, and she not only turned us onto "The Elevator", but gave us a 10% off coupon. It was just up the road, and it was a microbrewery, so it was a total win. Thanks, Chelsea.  Anyhow, the Elevator Xtra was absolutely lovely, although the fish I had was far less than satisfying. I had the beer before I ate, so technically, I gave them the benefit of the doubt and they failed.  Mark's tenderloin steak was nice, or so he said, and of the two beers he tried, only one was to his liking.

We ran out of smokes (although when I say "we" I mean "me" since he only smokes when I'm around...bad influence that I am) and then walked for blocks trying to find a convenience store. As is typical, we ran into a state employee who spoke little english to give me directions, which he needed to call headquarters to get. It was at this point we turned around and got my car from the valet, drove 2 miles to a Shell station, and fed my nicotene monster.

Back at the hotel, we were back to Epic Duels. What a hell of a game. Hasbro should be slapped upside its head for not reprinting this one, because it may be the second best game they've ever produced, after Heroscape. As noted, I play this game with Halo Interactive Strategy Boardgame terrain, which totally makes Epic Duels the fun-fest that it was born to be. It also finally repurposes the Halo stuff, since playing that game is nearly as fun as being sodomized by a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire.

The next morning we awoke at about eight in the morning, after about five hours sleep. We got Triple-Essed (Shit, Shower, Shave) and got out of the room, packing all of our games with us. The first Heroscape event was at ten, and there was no way we were going to miss it. Before heading over, though, I went to harass John Clowdus and realized that I had missed the booth of one of the biggest hucksters in the game business, MayDay Games.

Mark had gone on ahead, so I grabbed a badge from an unspecified individual and went over to check out their Crokinole offerings. Not surprisingly, they had the best ones on the tables, but they had a sign with "slightly used" boards for $70.00.  Guess he learned that bait and switching people is not only immoral, it's illegal. Anyhow, the tables were full and it was at this moment I said, rather loudly, "Hey, aren't these the douchebags that were knowingly shipping  bad boards to people? Why would you ever buy anything from these pukes?" All eyes turned to me, then to the booth guys. Laughing, I strolled on without looking back. It was almost time to meet Mark at the Miniatures room, so I went onward to play some Heroscape.

As usual, I got my ass kicked. I dropped out early to go hang out at the booths in the dealer hall and to find a game that my buddy was hunting for: The Dealer McDope Dealing Game. Unfortunately, there were no copies around the entire place, so of course I texted him to tell him that I had found it, but for $100.00, and to drop what he was doing and come over to buy it before someone else did. I let him call about three times before answering to tell him I was just yanking his chain. He was not amused.

I went back and checked on Plaid Hat as well as Small Box, and as expected, their piles of product were greatly diminished. I decided to head over to the Board Game Exchange booth to harrass David Muta, the founder, and his trusty sidekick, Jim O'Brien. They said that they had signed up a ton of people, and that they brokered a bunch of deals with publishers. Suffice to say, if you haven't signed up yet, you just don't understand how much money you will save. Their booth had some of the funniest signage I've ever seen; check out the pic below and look at the sign on the upper right side.

Chatting with David was a blast, and he explained that he couldn't hang the previous night because he was absolutely wasted. He looks like a total drunken frat-boy if you just took him at first glance, but he's actually a really smart, funny guy who loves games and just got sick of buying crap, just like I did. Definitely check them out at http://www.boardgameexchange.com/.

Right next door was an older guy sitting in a wheelchair, wearing a pith hat. As I walked by him I had to laugh because I noticed that he was holding an Obama Tax Poker Game, a game called Prison Bitch, another called Gang War, and finally, Mohammed Old Maid which is made up of a deck of 72 virgins, some of which are transvestites. His company's motto is even "We Intend To Offend - Free Speech Should Be Fun!"  My kind of dude. So, I chatted with him for twenty minutes or so and he explained that he is an absurdist playwright, and had a stroke which put him in his current seating arrangement. Totally great sense of humor, and after he explained Prison Bitch and Gang War, I wished I hadn't promised to not buy anything. They looked like a riot. Check them out at http://www.pigz.biz/ and don't have a drink in your hand when you do. May cost you a keyboard.

Here's my newfound hero and his booth:

The next contestant on "The Booth Is Right" was not on my radar until I saw someone that closely resembled some of the folks down the road from me. The company is called "Gut Bustin' Games" and they have released three games and one expansion so far, the most notable being "The Redneck Life". They have a new game out called "O Gnome You Don't", which is both beautiful and absolutely loaded with screwage, and when I demoed it I wanted to buy it immediately. It's cute outward appearance belies its pure evil heart.

Anyhow, I chatted with the founder, Lisa Steenson, who explained that they're out of Portland, Oregon, and that they're selling tens of thousands of copies of The Redneck Life out of Targets, Wal-Marts and at conventions. It is a linear game where players run through the life of a redneck, with the goal being ending up with the most money, the least in debt to Uncle Clem's payday loan place, have the least litt'luns, and have the most teeth. All of your stats are tracked on a sheet of paper and you get to name each child you have, with slots for about 20 kids on each sheet.

I had to look twice because while the board looked very, very plain, the real magic was in the houses and cars in the game. Each is a photograph of a total hillbilly vehicle or place of residence, and each is funnier than the last. While I know for sure this will never be a hobby gamer's favorite, it's a great game to play with out-of-town relatives. I got a review copy from Lisa, so I'll be reviewing it. I will tell you that after one play, I can say that I've rarely laughed as hard as I have playing this game. It's a total riot. Check it out at http://www.gutbustinggames.com/, and keep and eye on O Gnome You Don't, because it's really nasty fun.

It was almost time to go, but as I was walking to the front, a guy from Eagle Games started hawking the new Defenders of the Realm miniatures and expansions at me. I hadn't heard squat about this, but after looking at it all, I cannot imagine why you'd not want to get them. At five bones a piece, they're on par with FFG's Arkham Horror Investigators, but at the show I could get both the full game AND all of the painted minis for $60.  What an ass I am for making a promise to the wife not to buy anything. This was, hands down, the deal of the show. Check them out at http://www.eaglegames.com/ and they have an online store to get them all!

I decided to stop one last place before I was finished, and it was back near Chivalry Games and Small Box. It was the Fireside Games booth. For those of you who don't know them, they're the folks behind the amazing Castle Panic. They're releasing their first expansion, The Wizard's Tower, and it sounds amazing. I love that game and while I traded it off long ago because I got offered a deal I couldn't refuse I am going to definately buy this one again because it's a household fave, and with the expansion adding spells and other cool mechanics, it's a must have. I even got a bookmark that can be played in-game as a card! Check these fine folks out at http://www.firesidegames.com/, and if you've never played Castle Panic, you're really, really missing out.

The last thing I'm going to note is that at the Board Room, where you can borrow games, there was a bunch of guys playing Battleship Galaxies! They said they loved it, and one of them actually knew who I was. I contemplated offering to sign his boobs, but I decided against. I asked to take a pic, and to the left you can see them battling it out, ISN versus Wretch, right there at Origins.

Now, you're probably looking at the title and wondering what the hell Darwin has to do with Origins. Well, there was a Red Cross blood donation drive there on-site, and there was at one point a substantial line. I can only infer that the reason for this is that gamers have finally figured out that they can't break the stereotype easily, so they've decided to infect the rest of the planet with their blood, therefore making everyone, at least in a small way, a gamer, with gamer's blood raging through their veins. The species of gamer shall live on.

Thanks to all of my readers for totally ignoring me during the show; I was expecting legions of rabid fans tearing my clothes off to sell on Ebay, but instead was met by a bunch of great people, a bunch of great games, and one hell of a long story to tell. See you at GenCon, where I'll be GMing the Heroscape Championship and be doing demos of Battleship Galaxies!

Gencon 2010, Where Dreams Come True, Provided You Dream Of The Circus

Gencon is, without a doubt, the "best four days of gaming" as it is advertised. The thing that they never seem to advertise, though, is that is also the best four days of people watching. It truly is the ultimate place to see shit that you simply cannot explain; shit that simply defies reason or sanity. In fact, I am truly convinced that the concept of the Wandering Monster was developed by someone sitting in a chair at Gencon, watching the freaks walk by in various states of decrepitude or cosplay madness.

The terrible cosplaying is only the beginning, too, as there is also the smell of the gamer funk to contend with. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Gencon smells like a torrent of unwiped asshole and dirty feet. The smell isn't unbearable, but this year I was unlucky enough to sit directly next to a guy who, to quote Slick Rick, "Don't know the meanin' of water nor soap." This guy was foul, and I don't mean slightly uncouth, but rather totally and irrevocably vile to a degree I have only once experienced, and that was when I had to help a friend drag a three day old dead Labrador out of a basement where he died. Holy Christ above, this guy was absolutely repugnant in every conceivable way.

 In short, Gencon is to many people a venue for drawing attention to themselves where to others it is simply a gamer's heaven. I'll never understand the former, but for the latter, I proudly claim that Gencon is as close to a gamer's paradise as one can envision.

I left on Saturday morning at 7:00A and got to Indianapolis at about 8:30A, having determined that my Eclipse GT Turbo really can do 130 on the ground, and I parked at the Circle Center Mall parking garage for the enviable rate of 15$ a day. After a short, yet brisk, jaunt to the Convention center while sucking down several Camel Turkish Royals, I saw an old buddy waiting outside puffing on a Cowboy Killer and chatted him up until about 9:00A, at which point I went to the Will Call line to get my badge and event ticket.

Luckily there was no line and I walked right up to a gentleman who had more metal all up in his grill than my wife's Cadillac to get my stuff. Ironically, he radioed to a buddy that "This guy in the white shirt here is causing trouble", to which I retorted, "Dude, do you know me or something?" It was all gravy from that point on; within one minute I was awash in a sea of gamer funk and obese cosplay chicks wearing crop-topped shirts that not only provided a shot of their muffin top, you could see the whole fucking pan.

Then there's the girls wearing short Daisy Dukes and Sailor Moon skirts; these chicks really need to rethink their wardrobes. I mean, if you're a hottie, that's all good, but if you're two hundred fifty pounds and five feet tall, please, don't do it. Nobody thinks it's hot; we're thinking that the craters in the back of your legs may actually be both where Waldo is and what Willis was talking about.

I've decided that I am having a T-shirt made for Gencon next year that will include a photo of an overweight Cosplay chick superimposed over the Nike Swoosh with the phrase "Don't Do It". Please don't read this to mean that I have anything against overweight people, this isn't the case. Many of my best friends, male and female, are big folks. All I'm saying is that if you are a big person, it's not a good idea to wear what amounts to a technicolor bikini while walking around at a venue with more than 25,000 people. Just not a good idea.

Anyhow, aside from the incredibly poor wardrobe decisions and basic lack of hygiene, the con was a great time again this year. I played very poorly in a couple of Heroscape tournaments and dropped out of both early, allowing me the opportunity to walk the show, meet friends, demo games, and talk shop. For the record, I want to point out that if you ever wanted to get involved in an event, Heroscape is the one to get involved in.

Unlike the other Wizards of the Coast games that are run ridiculously poorly by Pastimes, Heroscape is a fan-based, fan-run event series. A guy named Mark Pruitt, one of the most selfless and genuinely good people I have ever met, was the main guy who was organizing this year's event, and not surprisingly, it was run better and more efficiently than Pastimes' sorry bitch asses could've ever hoped or dreamed of doing. That being said, right next door was another event run by yet another incredibly good dude, Jerry Hawthorne.

The event was for Summoner Wars, which I didn't even know had a tournament scene, but apparently does indeed as there were a great many players there, decks ready to, as another friend put it, "Summon Stabbity Death". There were all kinds of events going on in Hall F, where I was at this point, such as Star Wars Miniatures, Classic Battletech, Axis and Allies: War at Sea, and a million other games. Thankfully, Heroscapers are, by and large, very clean and well groomed folks so there really was no funk going on while I was there.  Unfortunately, we Heroscapers were not alone.

Half of the entire hall was made up of M:TG folks which, as usual, were hands-down the smelliest section in the hall. I walked the aisles and saw that while there were only a few people there clearly wearing 3-day old clothes, cosplay, or Goth gear, the vast majority of rows smelled of body mold and well-used flip flops.

It never ceases to amaze me how gamers truly stand firm by their stereotypes more than any other stereotyped group. That being said, there were a shitload of normal looking, well adjusted, clean folks but as in all things, the squeaky wheel gets the grease and the casual observer would only be able to ask one question: "What the fuck were they thinking???"

Moving on, I should tell you about some of the cool new stuff out there in the Gaming world. First, FFG/AEG has started selling their new City of Thieves, and it looks incredibly good. The minis are superb, and if you were lucky enough to buy it at Gencon, you would've gotten the full monty package including expertly painted miniatures.

The word is that they are going to sell the game en masse with unpainted minis with a separate package available with the painted minis. C'mon, Alderac, don't make the same mistake as last year with The Adventurers; charge 20$ more and sell the game with the painted stuff. Anyhow, their booth was loaded with folks demoing a variety of games and I got to sit and play some Rush N' Crush, which is still one of my favorites. Anyone foolish enough to take a pass on AEG as a company is making a foolish, foolish mistake. They fucking rock, and even with the faux pas of selling games with unpainted miniatures and then selling them separately, the company makes exceptionally fun and engaging games and it would be a pinnacle error to discount them as a good company, because they truly kick ass.


Next, I went over to Eagle games to thank Keith Blume for the review copy of Defenders of the Realm (review to be written this week), but he was so busy talking to people and selling games I didn't want to interrupt. He was wearing a suit and tie, being arguably the best dressed man at the Con. Just so you know, Defenders of the Realm is fucking awesome. It is a mix of Pandemic, Castle Panic, and Runebound in equal bits, in my opinion. If you read this before heading to the Con, or even while waiting for an event, get over there and buy it. It's one of the best games of 2010, without a doubt.

I then cruised over to the Plaid Hat games booth to hook up with my buddy Chad who was working the booth for Colby as well as to pay my respects to the man himself, Mr. Plaid Hat. The booth was small and when I went there, there was a line waiting to demo it.

In fact, Colby sold 4 full-monty sets of Summoner Wars right there while I was standing and watching. The man's a phenom; he went from a simple freelance designer working for Hasbro to a veritable Goliath of the gaming industry overnight. What an American Dream story. As I'm tired of my kid beating my ass at Summoner Wars, I picked up the Elf/Goblin starter set as well as the new battle board and the two new Expansions, Vanguards and the Fallen Kingdom. The art is outstanding on the expansions, but the hard on was really caused by the battle board. What a masterpiece! This thing easily surpasses most of the huge game companies in both layout and quality, and it is well worth the fifteen bones he's asking for it. If you're a fan of Summoner Wars, I suggest you pick one up as it's far superior to the paper mat and is actually quite portable, surprisingly. It folds down to an area that's just larger than the starter box sizes, meaning that in its totality the board and a starter are roughly the size of a child's shoebox. Epic Win, Colby and Company.


I then got a text from a buddy from Louisville, Adam, who was at the Fantasy Flight Games booth playing the Game Of Thrones with some random douchebag. As I walked up, the guy shot me a shitty look and said something nasty like, "Excuse me, we're playing here" at which point my first thought was to smash the jizzguzzler hard in the face, but seeing as Adam is such a nice guy and I really didn't want to pay a bail, I figured I'd just ignore the cockswiller. Knowing that the guy hasn't seen a vagina since he looked up and saw his mother's at birth was consolation enough; if I spent every night in my parent's basement fucking my fist while watching "furries" I'd be cranky too, I suppose. Anyhow, A Game of Thrones looked to be a very interesting game, but as I didn't want Adam to have to bear the brunt of this fuktard if I kept talking to him, I said my goodbyes and trotted off.

It was at this point that I had found my prey: Flamboyant Hat Guy. I should explain: at very event I attend, I try to seek out the most obnoxious, ridiculous hat that I can find to make the guy famous. Unfortunately, this year had so many choices it was tough to decide, but this one stood out as the most outlandish shit I have ever seen at an event. The man was dressed in a nice-ish suit, with his face painted Heinz ketchup red, and was wearing a two foot tall french fry hat. Epic is the only word that came to mind. I tried to get a frontal photo but I was laughing so hard I couldn't keep the camera still so I only managed to get a photo from 45 degrees behind him. To the man with the French Fry Hat, I commend you. Well played, sir. Well played.

I cruised over to the Wizkids booth to check out their Star Trek Clix game, which I found wasn't even there, but I did find one of the most bad-ass playmaps in the history of mankind. This map was set up with a multitude of heroes and villains struggling for supremacy, and it was awesome. I'm not a Wiz Kids fan, and although I do very much like their miniatures, I just don't like the games they produce. I was, at one point, a fan of Star Wars Pocketmodels, but that wore thin very quickly and luckily I only dumped forty or fifty smackerels on it, so it wasn't a terrible loss. As you can see from the image, they are quite a creative lot, so I'll be watching to see how the Star Trek game plays out.

After patrolling the gaming areas, I decided to ring a friend from the Eye of the Vortex website, a site I syndicate articles on and was dubbed a "Staff Writer and Editor". The man is Shea Reinke, VP of Marketing for the website, and he responded that he was out front of the convention center by the Hot Dog stand. I snuck up on him as he was smoking a roll-your-own Bugler and took a photo of him standing there looking as if he was lost. We met up, talked some shop, and then walked around looking for some trouble to get into. I decided that it was now time to find the Epic Fail Costume of the con, and again, there were so many choices that it was nigh impossible to decide.

I eventually settled upon Epic Fail Wonder Woman because while the costume was actually pretty good, the person wearing it was not. She looked more like "Wonder Why The Hell I Wore This Woman" or maybe even "Lynda Carter After 20 Years Of Binge Drinking". Certain characters are to be held to a higher standard, and Wonder Woman is one of them. In fact, my wife was Wonder Woman for Hallow'een some years ago and she is amazingly hot, so with that image of her burned eternally into my subconscious masturbational fantasies, I simply could not allow this to stand unrequited. Here, my friends, is Epic Fail Costume of Gencon 2010, Wonder Woman.

Shea and I then went into a random gaming room as the dealer hall had been closed, and we found ourselves at the Mayday Games room. There were about fifty Crokinole boards sitting around and when Shea asked me what the hell it was about, a random guy turned around and invited us to join he and his buddy for a game. I'd never played before, so after a short explanation we got right into it. It's a cross between Carrom and Billiards with a touch of Pitchcar, and I have to say that when I ever get a hundred dollars again, I'm buying one of these. They are expertly crafted pieces of wooden gaming goodness and I would highly, highly recommend it to anyone who likes dexterity games. It's phenomenal.

(Editor's Note: Please see THIS before purchasing a Mayday Crokinole board:
Mayday Crokinole Board Review (TLDR: Piece of shit)
How I found out they shipped me a defective board from another buyer )

As we walked past the overpriced food court, we saw a city built of old CCG cards as well as a variety of other cards such as baseball cards and whatnot. It was really neat, to be honest, and at 10:30P on Saturday people can throw change at the city to Godzilla it to oblivion. Not surprisingly, all the chicks were sitting on the floor doing the building and architecture. I've always thought that women were better suited to creation than men, and not only because of the fact that women bear a uterus, but because they're far less prone to a destructive nature than men. Well, most of them, anyhow.


After running through one more time, we strolled to Stake and Shake for some grub. I have often joked that Steak and Shake was named such because after you eat the steak, you're on the shitter shaking your head and wondering what possessed you to defile your body with such horrible food. I had not eaten anything all day, so at this point anything would do. Shanae Gaye was our server, and for the second year in a row I was impressed with her ability to keep your glass full and stomach happy.

There were cops all over the place, eating dinner presumably, and I noticed that they all carried Glock forty caliber pistols. While I am not a huge Glock fan, I am a huge fan of the forty caliber round, so I was happy to know that if Indianapolis' finest actually manage to hit an absconder of the law, they will absolutely bust the target's shit loose in no uncertain terms. Indianapolis Police 1, Lawbreakers 0.


Finally, Shea and I went to a hotel to the most well-guarded secret of Gencon, the xxxxxx room. This room is a Babylon of game designers, gameheads, and hardcore game enthusiasts, and more than a few game ideas have spawned from this, with some even becoming exceptional products. A great many of my dearest friends all get a very lush, very expensive couple of adjacent rooms and completely take it over, with up to 20 people sharing the rooms and sleeping wherever floor space exists.

The result is that they have their own gaming hall and it reduces the price of the entire week's lodging cost to under two hundred dollars. I met up with a couple of very good friends, and it was at this point that the chaos ensued. I'm not entirely sure that Shea was prepared, but when you're with me, what the hell could you expect?


I should go ahead and tell you the backstory to this so that it has the full effect. Last year I stayed in this fabled room for the first time, and in a rush to leave due to drama at home I had forgotten my single most favorite article of clothing, my "Keep Austin Wierd" shirt. One of my dearest friends was kind enough to find and keep it safe for me. Over this last year since Gencon '09 he has jokingly used it to ransom and blackmail me, and even though I'd been in his town several times and met with him, he kept "forgetting" to return it to me.

He had indicated that he used it as a "masturbational soup catcher", to wipe his soiled ass with it, and as all manner of rag to wipe up vomit and other vile substances. About two months ago he sent my group of friends a series of photos of him wearing it, and I should point out that I wear a men's large and he wears a men's 5XL. It may be the single funniest thing I have ever seen, and only this guy could possibly pull off the gag with such precision. We all laughed about it for the past few months and he even managed to start a faux auction to get people to bid on it since the shirt has such a history.

He was the first person I saw when I got to the room, and after giving him a great big hug he went back to his own room and brought the shirt up to me, but not in his hand. He was fucking WEARING IT. Colossal win, buddy. In the process of posing with me for a photo he managed to knock over and potentially destroy a lamp as well as pour a just opened beer on another guy in the room. What an amazing end to the story of the fabled Gencon Ransom Shirt. After the laughter in the room died down we managed to talk for a while and I got caught up with many of my friends. It was an amazing night, and to top it off his son managed to impress me enough to start an entire new category for my future Gencon reports: Most Disturbing Item Purchased At Gencon. As you can see below, it's a baby weilding a bloody knife and a mutilated teddy bear. It really just doesn't get any better than that!

In the end, Gencon is not the best four days of gaming because of the games alone, it's because of the friends, the freakshow, and the awesome memories that are made there. If you ever have a hankering to get out of town and spend an ungodly amount of money doing something that you will absolutely remember until the last moment of your life, get the fuck to Gencon. Don't wait, don't hesitate, don't hem and haw. Just do it. Please, though, if you're that person that walks out of the house in a costume that's clearly 10 sizes too small so that your enormous stomach sags over the front of the skirt so that you look like you're wearing a Sailor Moon halter top and a flesh-colored skirt, don't fucking do it. If you do, you may end up here, on my blog, for 10,000 people to laugh at you forever.


What Makes Gencon The Ultimate Gaming Mecca:
- Get to see friends you rarely get to
- Meet new people that may end up as lifelong friendships
- See and play the best new games on the market
- Laugh at people who really should've known better


Why Gencon Pisses Me Off, Year After Year:
- $52.00 for a one-day ticket is some fucking bullshit
- The ventilation is such that you can actually smell both shit and BO from 600 feet away
- While sneaking a flask of bourbon is totally simple to do, they do not sell beer or spirits


Overall:
Just go. If you don't, you're missing out.


Rating:
5/5 Stars

More of the Photos Of Gencon 2010...

Look in the center of the image; there's the runner up for Flamboyant Hat Guy. He was apparently cosplaying as Pope Tosser Notlaidus I.

Herein lies the City of Theives, at the Fantasy Flight game room.

This dude definately fits the bill for Darth Maul.  This was easily the best costume I saw.

This guy was BLOWING OUT an electric fiddle.  Great Irishy folk music.

Looks like Mario was heading for the Astroglide booth to stock up; with a threesome with Peach and Daisy slated for later, he's probably going to need some. Show them bitches some Mushroom power, bro!

Catalyst is rocking Gencon with a seven foot tall Mech! WIN!

Zev at Z-Man games was too busy at the booth so I didn't stop to talk like I otherwise would've liked to, but I have to say...watching him for five minutes while he was peddling his wares was a spectacle to behold.  The man is a true hustler and he busted his ass all show long.  Long Live Z-Man!

I'm considering suing these guys for infringement on my life....

This is a replica, complete with minis, of the Millenium Falcon's board game. Definately let the Wookiee win.

Tell me this isn't a CLASSIC photo.  This guy was clearly, and quite obviously, staring at this chick's tits.  That's not the funny part. The funny part is that he has his hands in the perfect configuration to creep her out and indicate to all that he may well be a stalker! By the way, this is one hell of a gaming table!

Here's the Game of Thrones match that had Adam laughing.  I'm sure those flip flops smell like a bed of roses, eh....

The Summoner Wars tournament was awesome.  It was great to see Plaid Hat getting some love.

No bullshit, no photoshop; this vending machine in the lobby of the Circle Center Mall, just outside of the elevators, was having a moment.  It literally had the Blue Screen of Death.  Yeah, Windows RAWKS!

At first I though this might be the best cosplay pick-up line at the con, but then I realized that this guy is actually likely a serial killer looking to lure young elves into the basement of....

...the Elf Park!

Thanks for reading!

Pete