Wednesday, January 26, 2011

I'm feeling good tonight, so I'm giving something away!

On the 15th of February, I'm going to post a couple of winners. Winners, you ask? What is this talk of winners? I'll tell you, but you need to stop interrupting.

I've got several games here that need to have a new home. They don't get played because my friends don't want to play them, and playing a game designed for 2 or more, solo, is just wrong on so many levels I can't even begin to explain. So, that being said, I'm going to send out, on my dime, WORLDWIDE (cuz tha's how I be rollin, beyotches. Reco'nize!), a couple of bad ass games. The economy sucks, and Obama's spending borrowed money like he won it on "Jeopardy! Asshole Edition", so what the hell. Why not hook a brother or sister up, right? "Spread it around (TM)". Maybe I'm just prepping myself for the socialist state, komrades. Shit..really...who knows why I do what I do. I just do it, and you guys get the benefits. Rock on, Pedro.

Anyway, back to the story. What games, you ask? How cool? I told you....stop interrupting.

Very, very fucking cool. The kind of cool that could shrivel your man-parts to the point they may never snap back. The kind of cool that would make your nipples contract to the point that if they were analyzed, a new element, Nipplium, would be discovered and it would be the hardest substance in the known universe. The kind of cool that can only be described, and  only in part, by words that do not exist in this dimension. I'd attempt to translate them for you, but after reading it your eyeballs would freeze over and you'd shit York Peppermint Patties for a month. That fucking cool, mijos y mijas.

I've got a copy of Twilight Struggle sitting here, right now, looking all twilighty and sexy. But wait...you said there were 2 items! What could be cooler than the #1 game in the world, according to Boardgamegeek.com, you ask?? The fact that it's the Deluxe Edition. Not some chincy, fucked up poo-butt edition, and not one that'd been puked on or defiled in any manner. It's pristine, and it's yours. So what, you ask, does the great and powerful Wizard of TNT have in addition to this ragingly fucking cool superprize?!?!?

Again with the interruptions...ease back, people. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

The other game I have here, sitting pretty in oh-so-many-ways, is Cutthroat Caverns! I mean, you know I love backstabbery on  a scale that only "Spartacus: Blood and Sand" has more blood-geysers shooting from the backs of fallen foes. Having sex with your sister and then framing your father for it kind of backstabbery. I'm talking about mean, nasty gameplay that can ruin marriages and make children flee, screaming, from their own homes, hands locked to their teddy bears with a Kung Fu death grip. That's Cutthroat Caverns. And that's yours.

HOW DO I WIN?!?!? HOW?!?!? Simple. First, stop interrupting. Then, just be signed up as a follower, over there on the lower left side of the page. See those suckers loyal readers? They're followers. They get this tripe emailed to their RSS reader weekly. You can be them. Think "Old Spice Guy" moment here.

It's that simple. Don't worry, I'm not selling your email addresses. Shit, I don't even know that I could find out what they were if I tried. I'm a writer, not a "web guy". Look at my logo...it's fucking pathetic. It's like that guy in the wheelbarrow from "My Left Foot" (that later ended up killing his buddy for oil and talking that "there will be blood" bullshit...) drew it with a sharpie with his left foot, while high on LSD. No, I'm sure that I can't figure out what your email address is.

Why, then, do I do this for you, knowing you're the only ones reading this? Because I think games should be played, not sat on a shelf to somehow make my life more complete. I am secure with the size of my penis, or at least that's what I tell myself. Sometimes. So, I don't need to have a giant game "library" that has more dust on it than George W. Bush's dictionary to make me feel whole. But that's just me. I like what I like, and sometimes I buy games that I don't like, not knowing I won't like them. So, my stupidity is your gain.

Ah...I digress. Sign up, and I will randomly (and will post pictures of the drawing if I can) choose the winners. I am the final arbiter of who the winners are, and if you don't like it, as they say in Mother Russia, "Toughsky Shitsky". I haven't decided if I will be putting small photos onto a cardboard target and throwing darts to select winners, or if I will simply have my children choose 2 avatars they like the best. I may float little paper boats and load them with wee standies of your avatar so I can sink the boats with my pee, having the last person's avatar to sink become the winner. I don't know yet...these things are delicate. I have to contemplate the most absurd way to select a winner and then make it more absurd. I'm thinking rockets will be involved. Yes, definately rockets.

Anyhow, I will announce the winners here at the Circus (if you've read this far, you know it's aptly named) and if you don't email me to acknowledge you want it, well, you really didn't read the blog (see disclaimer below) and therefore aren't getting shit from me. I'll hold onto it for the next drawing. Or something. Or maybe, if I can figure out how to post video to the blog, I will explode the game, upload the video, and admonish you publicly so you know what you could have had if you'd only simply checked the blog on that one, single day, the 15th of February.

Fuck it, you know what? Let's throw in a copy of Saboteur, too. That's 3 lucky winners. Just remember me when you're looking for a solid game review and maybe a chuckle, we'll call it even.

Good luck!

Note: If you sign up just to win something, and then you delete your subscription, you're an asshat. Nothing will ever fix you. I hope you shit your pants badly (while farting exceptionally loudly and unexpectedly) on a very romantic date with the girl of your dreams, and she pukes on you from the smell, leaving you sitting there in your own soiled, filthy, formerly tidy whities and never returning your calls. Ever.
If you sign up and enjoy the commentary, thanks for reading!

11 comments:

Jur said...

Pete, I don't want a game from you. Most of all because I'd prefer it to go to someone who really needs it. I already have those games or they are on order.

Also, it has to go to a Yank. I already live in a socialist state if I have to believe Pete. The advantage is that I have enough income to buy games and enough free time to play them.

If you are unlucky enough to live in the Land of the Free, under a wannabe socialist dictator, I hope receiving a game will sooth your pain.

Finally, I enjoy the Circus as it is. I would be terrible disappointed to have to unfollow it to make sure I don't get a game.

StephenAvery said...

I'm with Jur. I'll sign up as a follower but I don't need the games.

I can't believe you don't play CutThroat Caverns. I love that friggin game. Instead of bribing followers I think you should just Intimidate them instead.

Just start posting "Follow my Blog B*tches!" on every game website you can find. That is how Vasel did it and now he has got a huge listener base.

Steve"Following Pete's blog like a b*tch"Avery

=+=SuperflyTNT=+= said...

Thanks for the sentiments, Komrades! You guys were never going to win anyhow...this thing is rigged worse than Chinese currency valuations!

Seriously, though...I cannot get these games to the table. Ever. I just can't palate having them sit on my shelf, and I have such amazing readers that I figured what the hell, let the "people" get some shit for free. I was indeed fairly toasted last night...

Oh, and Steve, Tom Vasel has something that I do not. It's called Talent. ;)

Jon said...

Awesome! I'm following the circus now!

Dumont said...

Another new follower. I will shamelessly accept any or all three games! None of this I don't need it stuff. :-)

Eric said...

Sounds good to me. I've been hoping to Twilight Struggle for a while. Apparently, some nose-up egotist website ranked it pretty high I guess.

Yetikeeper said...

I've been reading your site for almost a year (via RSS) and hey! I just can't say 'no' to the opportunity of winning a free game. Did I just hear you mutter "Game whore"?

hawkeyept said...

This pushed me over the edge to sign up to. I have enjoyed your site for a while, and I gave you your props when I placed an order recently with Small Box games. They better be good, or I am blaming you!

Pete Miller said...

I have been avoiding following you because you have more followers than me and now you pull this shit to get even more. I have to go now to find something to give away on my blog. Hot Chicks? Boobs? Sign up on my blog and see...

Or not. Whatever. Pete, you are funny, so I signed up.

=+=SuperflyTNT=+= said...

@ Dumont: There's no such thing as a game you don't "need". You neeeeeeeeed them. All of them. My precious.....

@ Eric: Go read my article on Gencon 2010. Note the constant theme of the odors of the gamers there. Then realize that BGG folks' noses aren't up because they're "snooty", it's that they think the smell is coming from someone else...

@Yeti: WTF, man? You're one of my first Disciples of the Church of the Atom and THIS is your first comment?!?!?! ;) Thanks for reading, and you can now say that you're one of the originals that didn't have to be bribed to know the greatness of the Circus!

@Hawykeyept: So now your accusing me of attempted murder...tossing you over edges and whatnot? Where's Johnny Cochrane when I need his able defense...? You'll love Small Box's stuff. Just don't buy Tempt. I chose not to review it because I literally could NOT get through 3 games.

HOLY SHIT! It's Doc Savage Himself!!!

For all of you reading this, Pete Miller is the fucking MAN. He writes pulp fiction in the style of the old mags and is what I call a "bullwhip virtuoso". Nobody does it better. Check out his site: http://docsavagetales.blogspot.com/2011/01/pulp-of-week-doc-savage-21.html

There's all kinds of news, game reviews, and some of the coolest stories you'll ever read.

(Extending hand to Mr. Miller)

Midloo said...

Hey thanks so much for doing this. I'm inspired. Time to dust off my stacks of stuff and get them to people that could use them. You go!